Hey do you guys remember that awesome video game Rampage where you played as one of three giant monsters who smashed buildings in a nondescript city? Guess what? They're turning it into a super serious action movie where Dwayne Johnson is friends with an ape and wants to know what's happening to his friend when he begins growing larger every day.
Great god in heaven, of all the video game conceits to turn into a deadly serious movie with no tongue planted in its achingly sincere cheek, why did you pick the one about monsters rampaging through a major metropolitan area? It's like King Kong but The Rock is Faye Wray (or Naomi Watts or Jessica Lange depending upon your generational reference point). He's the only one that can soothe the savage beast.
Though the problems begin way before the card appears reading "From the Director of San Andreas" that's the moment I knew we were in serious trouble. Of all the big budget disaster movies in recent years, San Andreas is by far one of the stupidest and definitely the most self-serious. Rampage might actually be the one to top it, what with the giant wolf leaping through the air and The Rock having a Congo-esque relationship with a sign language learning ape. And hey, Smashing Pumpkins... pretty cool! Why not have The Fonz in the movie too?
Honestly though, I'm willing to give any movie a chance. I had no idea this was going to reach these levels of stupidity in just its execution alone. This looks terrible. When Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Joe Manganiello are your heavies, you're in a world of trouble. If this movie flops, you won't see an action sequence in one of these movies set on a plane ever again, what with The Mummy having a nearly identical sequence in its trailer. Rampage opens on 4/20, which is a sign that weed is the only thing that will make it bearable.